When you live in denial for so long

coming to terms with the reality is much harder.

My gramma is dying.  The nurse can't get a pulse in the foot, and the fluid in her lungs is really building up.  She is struggling to breathe, and she only ate two bites of fish--her favorite food--and even that was an effort for her to even try to accomplish.  I've been researching what to look for--for the first time because I always said that MY grandparents would be around forever--and it isn't good at all. 
I'm not sure what to do.  It is extremely selfish of me to want her around longer--she is so uncomfortable with each breath, but I still want her here.  Her blood pressure is 141/93 and her respiration are low: 101.  It just isn't looking good.  She's had a few close-calls--where she seems like she is going to die, she gets super sick and it looks horrendous--but then she pulls through.  That doesn't seem to be the case this time.  At 93 I can understand why, it still isn't fair.  It still isn't anything that should happen to MY gramma.  At least in my world.  I am very worried about my mom and what this will do to her, and if we do lose my gramma, what that will do to her.  My grandpa I think is holding out hope that she will pull through like she always does--she is the strongest in the family, and if we lose her, I don't think he will stick around much longer after. 
Basically, I am trying not to cry, making sure she is comfortable, and hoping that she pulls out of this, but actually, for the first time in my 33 years, realizing that death can happen to MY grandparents. 

It sucks.

While feeling sorry for myself is unproductive,

sometimes I just can't help myself.  I wish I had my own classroom.  I wish I lived closer to my gramma and grandpa.  I wish I was with Louie right now and NOT in Wisconsin.  I wish I had more time to see my friends here in WI more.  I wish they had more time to hang out.  I wish I wasn't dreading this sub position that starts in two weeks and two days.  Growing up isn't fun.  Argh.

Best. Email. Ever. And I really needed this today.

Dear Ms. *****,

I hope you are doing well and I hope you had a wonderful summer break.  I still don't understand why you aren't teaching at this school and all of us AP students miss you like CRAZY.  I feel the juniors this year are at a disadvantage because they've heard so much about you Ms. *****, and to be honest, I think they were a little disappointed that you weren't going to be their AP Lang and Comp. teacher.   My colleagues and I feel very lucky to experience the Great ****'s teachings 

I wanted to tell you that I'm super scared of life after high school. I mean, I have my options, but everything's a blur now since graduation is only months away.  I've started applying for early decision and I was wondering if you could write some sort of recommendation letter for me because it's kind of required.   I want to ask other teachers, but you have been the most influential educator I've had. I greatly appreciate your time and consideration, always.

COME BACK MS. ****!! PLEASE VISIT US SOMETIME! And yes, I'm in school writing this on my free time because I'm a senior now and I can have free time like that :] TOTALLY AWESOME.

Warm regards,

******

Sent from my iPhone

Suitcases are packed...

To the max. (Hopefully not over!)
I leave at 11PM, and will be in WI at 9AM tomorrow.
I'll be away from my home here in Portland until the end of November.

Hopefully enough for 3 months

I can do this.
It is just a vacation, right?
A three month vacation. Where I will be working. And away from my fiance.

I can do this.

Deciding...

I do want to coach--I think 8th graders would be fun! At least there is NO expectation beyond them learning the basics. They aren't on the JV team with my JV/V mindset.
But I have to leave Sunday. And fly. And drive my grandpa's Buick while I'm there.
I do want to coach though. It will be a good experience and I will make good money.
And I will get to spend more time with gramma and my friends....

ARGH.

I hate insomnia...

I've been up since 4:30 this morning...and Julia is here!!! We are off to the beach today and Mockingjay will be in the mailbox when I get back!!! WAHOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This beats my "It's Ferngully, but with blue people" summation!!!

Go here.

HAHAHAHAHA!! YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I woke up to a very excited email this morning:

Some background--

Jay Asher--author of 13 Reasons Why--an amazing book about suicide and the ramifications of even the smallest actions--recognized three videos done in relation to his book. The entire junior class this past year listened to the audio version (amazing--done by two different voices--unbelievably amazing)--and I recommended it to many of my AP students to read for their YA final self-selection text. So, one of my students asked me if she could make a video trailer for her final project. She did, and it was beyond amazing.

So, to the email I had this morning:

Ms. ***! Hi this is *******. Do you remember me? =]

How's your summer been?

So do you remember the 13 Reasons Why video I made for your class?

well, I uploaded it on Youtube, and I guess Asher saw it>>>

and guess what: Jay Asher himself put it on his blog on July 11!!! =D

I didn't know until someone commented the video I posted on Youtube....but yea! isn't that cool??!!

and it's all thanks to YOU for letting me make that vid and lending me the audio for it ^_^

THANK YOU MS.****!!!!

Check out her video (it is the third video--the black and white one on the bottom).

I miss teaching. Already. This. Sucks.

But I am SO proud of her!!!

Whatever. **With update!!!**

So, in the eternal job-search process, I applied to a school district to get into their sub pool. There was an online questionnaire/test that I guess got me kicked out of EVEN BEING A SUBSTITUTE TEACHER!!! Here is the email I received this morning:

Thank you for applying to substitute in the *** School District. As part of our new substitute screening process we are inviting substitute candidates to join our substitute teacher pool on a rolling and preferential basis. At this time you have not been selected to move forward in this process. However, we want to emphasize that as we continue to evaluate candidates you may be invited to join the substitute teaching pool in the future. You do not need to take any additional action at this time for further consideration. Thank you again for your interest in substitute teaching in the *** School District.

That is totally fine--whatever, but what was beyond irritating, is that this was a MASS email sent out to a total of 229 other people. NOT blind-copied. All of our emails/names were all included in this heartfelt and thoughtful rejection email.

As of now, three of the other teachers on this mass list have responded (reply all--oh the joy), and it has been entertaining to say the least.

There are some angry teachers out there.

I am glad I'm not the only one getting royally screwed over.


**Update** Here is the email we all received, but on a blind copy, so we couldn't "reply all" to this one.

Dear Substitute Applicants:
Unfortunately when our district sent an email to you today regarding the process of being a substitute teacher in **** Schools, messages that were intended to be directed only to you as an individual were mistakenly duplicated and forwarded to every one who has applied for substitute teaching.
We cannot correct the error that has occurred and can only offer that our intent was to communicate with each person individually about substituting for this next year.
I am extremely sorry this error has occurred and apologize for any embarrassment caused to you.
We want to make sure you understand that as the district’s needs are identified, the pool of substitutes may be expanded. We know that there will be individuals added as we review applications further.
We know that ***** Schools attracts many substitute applicants. In the past, we have been able to use less than half of the people who have registered to substitute. The intent of this new process is to advise all applicants of their status so they know whether they may need to consider other options.
Thank you for considering **** Schools for substitute teaching assignments. Again, we apologize for the electronic error from earlier today.
Questions about your individual applications can be directed via email to the Human Resources Department. Please address your message to:
****
Executive Director HR
Or
*****
Associate Director HR at
Sincerely,
**
Executive Director
Human Resources

Oh yeah...I feel so much better.

Yeah, being stubborn sucks ass.

So, I am NOT a runner. And honestly, I am so far from the "runner" spectrum, there aren't enough words.

I HATE RUNNING.

Ok.

I've also been struggling with my weight/body image/everything for the last 10 years or so. I decided to make a significant change in April. Louie and I joined 24 hour Fitness, and I started doing cardio 3X a week. Then, I added some weight training, then, when summer hit, I started taking a class similar to the one I took at Gold's Gym (thanks Manda K.!), that is a 55 minute hard-core full body lifting weights/cardio up workout. I do that 2-3X a week for the last 5 weeks. On July 7, I started the Couch25K program. Yep. I started to JOG. OUTSIDE. IN MY HILLY (MANY MANY MANY INCLINES) NEIGHBORHOOD.

After about a week of this program, my left knee started to hurt.

And hurt.

And hurt.

But, I kept pushing it. I did the whole RICE thing, tried the KT Tape (HA!), but my athlete competitiveness kept pushing me to keep going--no matter what my body said.

Yesterday morning the pain was pretty bad. Yesterday was also Week 4 Day 1 for me--I had made it SO FAR!!! I called the doctor in the morning, thought about not going out, but went out and completed the workout--I even jogged the FULL 5 minutes!!! BOTH TIMES!!

If you are a runner, this is probably pathetic, but for me, this was HUGE. I wanted to stop and walk SO BADLY, but I kept pushing through (even with my knee screaming at me).

And then I went to the doctor.

HAHAHAHAHA. I. AM. AN. IDIOT.

I am now on Prednisone for the next six days--I am not to run or walk for working out purposes. Then, after the Prednisone is done, I have to wait until my knee feels back to normal--possibly 2 weeks! I also have to go to a special store where they will watch me run (awesome--and yes, that is sarcasm dripping off that comment) and tell me all about my gait and what type of shoes I need. And I am SURE that the shoes will be free too. HA!

BLARGH.

I was on a roll. Consistently working out, I re-joined Weight Watchers last week Wednesday, and have been working hard to improve day by day. This feels like a setback. I didn't work out today and I feel like a loser. Yikes. I am going to try to swim tomorrow, but I think I might have caught the runner bug. *SHUDDER*

Irony at its finest...

No responses from any school here in OR as of now.

A call this morning from MY high school in Wisconsin (1918 miles away from where I currently live) to set up a 1 hour interview for a long-term temporary sub position.

Argh.

Right now...

I am thinking about how awesome it will be to go to sleep.


I hate my effing period. My bad for not having a real one for the last three years. ARGH.

Learn-ned-ness.

So, I know that anything good does not come easy. Greatness comes from really really REALLY hard work. I wish that there was more of a focus on this concept rather than society's ill-informed view that good things just appear and life is easy.
In tough times, many give up. Rather than work to make something happen, many choose to take the easier path.

Sometimes I wonder why I'm not like that. I generally choose the hardest path available. And usually, it hurts.
I decided that my relationship is worth the effort. No, we aren't married (part of the challenge I'm faced with right now), but he is my family, my safety net, my comfort, my home. He is, and more importantly, we are, worth the work and effort.
In response to my gut feeling that more of an effort had to happen in our relationship to take pressure off him (so he wouldn't think about wedding/marriage), I suggested that once a week we switch off making plans--a "date night" of sorts. We started this week--my choice/plan. I researched things to do and narrowed it down to two choices--Cannon Beach (suggested by friends) and the Portland International Brewfest. The latter won--Louie loves imported beers, and an afternoon people/dog watching in the city with good beer and awesome weather was more up my alley.

It was awesome. I got to drive (my date night=I am in control) and we scored a table in the shade. Louie got to try 6 different beers (me too even if they were just mini-sips as I was the DD). We had good food--he bought us an awesome cheese plate complete with a baguette, salami, and grapes, and it was relaxing and super awesome.
It is his week next week, and he told me already what the plan is--on Wednesday we are going to a Mariners game!!! It will be our first time at Safeco Field, AND they are playing the White Sox, so I'll at least know some players.

Louie doesn't even like baseball.

I don't expect "date night" to be all about money/spending money--going for a walk and curling up on the couch watching tv could constitute a "date night;" the point is more in the effort itself--consciously making an effort to put our relationship at the forefront for an evening/afternoon/morning.

I used to wonder how relationships could get to the point where dates would have to be discussed and really plotted out or where sex would have to be scheduled in order to make it happen--but it can happen--relationships are HARD. Good relationships, great relationships don't just appear out of thin air. Couples have to equally give (yes, thanks Dr. Phil) 100%-100% in order to work and survive and thrive.

Growing up sucks sometimes. Becoming "learn-ned" is rough!!! Nothing worth having comes easy--at least not anything I've encountered thus far.

Maybe I'm wrong though--maybe things shouldn't be this hard?

This summer Vs. Last summer

This Summer	Last Summer
Wake up early.	Wake up early.
Eat yogurt/cereal/egg.	Eat breakfast (toast/other terrible things)
Sit on computer.	Sit on computer.
Work out.	Nap.
Watch tv.	Watch tv.
Eat lunch	Sit on computer.
Look for jobs.	Work on lessons for the fall.
Sit on computer.	Sit on computer.
Sit outside (if sunny) and read.	Watch tv.
Take shower.	Eat dinner.
Clean up/do dishes.	Go to bed.
Sit on computer.	Repeat.
Bake something/make something.
Eat dinner.
Watch tv.
Read.
Go to bed.
Repeat.

One classy broad...

mac n cheese + white wine (that isn't that great).

Baking...

cookies...I made chocolate chip earlier this week...made M&M today, with gingersnap dough chilling in the fridge to bake tomorrow. I'm attempting bread again--today's was a flub--Amish white that I let rise TOO much...tastes way too yeasty. Yuk. Maybe tomorrow I will try a new cookie....

Maybe it will be ok?

I am hoping for the best.
I also realized I'm willing to wait because he is my family. Is it the
right thing though? I hope so.

Sent from my iPhone

Trust instincts...

I should know better.

I don't know what to do. A Uhaul is 1295 to get back. I am falling apart. I don't know what to do. I was hoping that I wasn't right, but I was.

24 Passed!!!!

1st year teaching AP Language and Composition--Pretty proud!! Two 5s too!!!
Yes, 20 didn't pass, but there were only four 1s--and they were expected (two of them didn't turn in ONE assignment ALL YEAR)--so that makes 16 who were REALLY close to passing. Also, many of the 2s were students who need several revisions to polish their writing, so this type of exam isn't an accurate reflection of their learning!!
Too bad I won't be there in the fall to continue the trend.

The hour and 45 minute drive was worth every second. Both ways.

I got to see four of the most influential women in my life—and other than my mom, gramma, and sister, these four have helped make me a better person. They also are awe-inspiring and absolutely amazing.

Today, I learned things I didn’t know could even happen (a penis can break which results in a $16,000+ surgery!).

I saw first hand the ramifications of no insurance—my beautiful world-traveling friend who taught overseas for two years now has a mysterious illness that the free clinic has yet to diagnose correctly.

I was made aware of the importance of being proactive and researching anything that is prescribed (because it could be made at the Hormel plant).

I was able to discuss the disenchantment that comes with working in academia surrounded by drama and politics—and we all loved our university at one point.

Finally, I was able to read and give “feedback” (question/comment/edit) an academic essay and discuss highly intellectual topics and drink really good wine.

This mini—list doesn’t begin to do today justice. We ate and laughed at Mogies. We walked in the sun and sat in the shade eating gelato and talking and laughing some more. We went and sat on a picnic table in Owen Park in the shade and laughed, talked, and realized how shitty it is to grow older. We set a date in January for a future “girl’s weekend” in *maybe* San Francisco (and depending on my job/school situation, we might go to Costa Rica for a week!) We went to the Farmer’s Market and bought bread, beets, salsa, raspberries, rhubarb pie, and someone got free coffee due to her amazing prowess (uh, NOT me! Damn, even when she’s sick she’s amazing!).

I actually feel refreshed, recharged, and can’t wait to see what’s next for my life. Eventually I would have come to this on my own, but re-centering myself with these women who I admire, respect, and look up to has given me a swift kick in the ass in the right direction.

I would give ANYTHING for the middle states between OR & WI to move north to Canada so our two states could be closer.