Trust instincts...

I should know better.

I don't know what to do. A Uhaul is 1295 to get back. I am falling apart. I don't know what to do. I was hoping that I wasn't right, but I was.

The job search...

As I ponder what it is I can do now that I am 99% for sure unemployed for this coming school year (there is still a minuscule chance I will be hired back), I really am not sure what I am going to do.
Some options I have come up with so far:

Surrogate (I am too old to donate eggs--surrogates get $25,000!)
Nail Technician (I'd have to go to school, and one of the applications I saw required photos of me...WTF?)

Ok that is it. After a pretty extensive search on multiple job search sites, teaching positions are non existent and there are no jobs where watching football/baseball and reading are both prerequisites--basically, I'm screwed.


HAHAHAHA: Thanks S--this ROCKS!!

Sometimes, with a LARGE glass of pinot...

I feel the combination of utter relaxation, maddening frustration and complete envy.

Relaxed because, even if the bottle had been opened for a while, it stayed well, and the alcohol has loosened many of my brain cells. The fuzzy haze is creeping over me just enough to mess with my typing ability.

Envy for a host of reasons, including, but not limited to, my friends' abilities, successes, and absences; the world in which budgetary cuts don't impact the daily life from January until June--or beyond; the majority of my colleagues whose jobs aren't on the line, nor will they ever be--seniority conquers all.

Frustration at my inability to let what I can't control not bother me. Frustration with knowing that I won't have a job next year, but just got letters from two seniors that I would NEVER have expected--thanking me for my teaching style and what I did for them their junior years. Would someone who wasn't a good teacher get letters like this at all? Do my colleagues who leave their classrooms in the middle of the day to go to Subway get letters like this? Frustration that my life isn't funny or filled with awesome quirky moments. I have really bad things happening in my life right now. Things I can't control, things I try to control but can't, and it is wearing me out.

Choosing wine and Powell's over the gym doesn't help things, nor does forgetting to take my Vitamin D, but still. I keep getting these "praise" emails about our amazing standardized test score increase--and I know that my students play a small portion into that--but it doesn't' matter. To anyone. Nothing I do matters. What a horrendously negative post this is. I apologize to my reader.

What does someone do when there is so much uncertainty?

Told my students...

Well...I told my 7th period the Friday immediately after I was told about my supervisor's recommendation. Then I sat on the information and didn't tell my students.

I thought about things, and I haven't been myself in class, so I told my first period. I know that this all deals with political stuff and grownup stuff that they shouldn't have to deal with, but they are the most important people to me. They are who I strive to be better for.

They had heard things through the rumor-mill that this high school is infamous for, so it was good to tell them what was actually happening versus them hearing a diluted and twisted "telephone" -type game story.

I feel helpless, and they do as well. I didn't mean for that to happen. I just wanted them to know that I tried everything I could.

~~~~~~~~~

Told 4th period.

Some of them cried.

I feel horrible about that. I don't want them to suffer because of the grown-up stuff. They are going to be just fine without me. Life goes on and they are stellar, rock-star humans. There is so much ahead for them and they will be amazing.

Maybe I shouldn't have told them. :(

Options....

1.

Fight. Get a POI (plan of improvement) guaranteed that if I do x, y, and, z I will not lose my job.

Do it. Keep job until budget cuts come down (positions are going to be cut at the high school).

Lose job because of budget cuts.

Have to check the box on all future applications that I have been on a plan of improvement.

Never get hired again.

2.

Fight. Get a non-renewal sent to the board (who has never EVER turned over a decision made by admin/district), appeal it (no one has ever won an appeal in this district), and then have a non-renewal on my record.

Never get hired again.

3.

Resign by February 23rd. Finish the year. Get a positive letter of recommendation. The district won't fight unemployment.

Aren't the choices awesome?

What it means to be a probationary teacher at the end of her third year...

If the vice-principal, who is her supervisor, likes the guy hired after her more, the vice principal can opt to recommend that her contract not be extended past this year. Which also means that the union can't/won't fight for her because she has no status in the union. No matter how many letters of support my colleagues write, or my students, I have a very slim chance of having a job next year. All because, according to my supervisor, I "don't know how to treat people." (Which really means her--my tone in my email comes across terse.)

Because she did say that it had:

nothing to do with my lesson plans.

nothing to do with my organization.

nothing to do with my classroom management.

So, I get to have a meeting on Wednesday with my union rep in attendance, before the meeting with the superintendent on the 18th. Basically, my rep says that if my supervisor won't put a POA (Plan of Assistance) into documentation, things are a done deal and I have no chance.

I will have to bargain to resign so I don't have a nonrenewal on my record, but I don't get to do what I love. Because I don't kiss ass. Because I SUCK at playing the game.

About 4 months left of being a probationary teacher. I thought I was finally on track to have some security.

This is how I thought it would be...

But, it's not. It won't be. I have to still be ok.

I can't believe it. There aren't words.

http://www.dmband.com/