Learn-ned-ness.

So, I know that anything good does not come easy. Greatness comes from really really REALLY hard work. I wish that there was more of a focus on this concept rather than society's ill-informed view that good things just appear and life is easy.
In tough times, many give up. Rather than work to make something happen, many choose to take the easier path.

Sometimes I wonder why I'm not like that. I generally choose the hardest path available. And usually, it hurts.
I decided that my relationship is worth the effort. No, we aren't married (part of the challenge I'm faced with right now), but he is my family, my safety net, my comfort, my home. He is, and more importantly, we are, worth the work and effort.
In response to my gut feeling that more of an effort had to happen in our relationship to take pressure off him (so he wouldn't think about wedding/marriage), I suggested that once a week we switch off making plans--a "date night" of sorts. We started this week--my choice/plan. I researched things to do and narrowed it down to two choices--Cannon Beach (suggested by friends) and the Portland International Brewfest. The latter won--Louie loves imported beers, and an afternoon people/dog watching in the city with good beer and awesome weather was more up my alley.

It was awesome. I got to drive (my date night=I am in control) and we scored a table in the shade. Louie got to try 6 different beers (me too even if they were just mini-sips as I was the DD). We had good food--he bought us an awesome cheese plate complete with a baguette, salami, and grapes, and it was relaxing and super awesome.
It is his week next week, and he told me already what the plan is--on Wednesday we are going to a Mariners game!!! It will be our first time at Safeco Field, AND they are playing the White Sox, so I'll at least know some players.

Louie doesn't even like baseball.

I don't expect "date night" to be all about money/spending money--going for a walk and curling up on the couch watching tv could constitute a "date night;" the point is more in the effort itself--consciously making an effort to put our relationship at the forefront for an evening/afternoon/morning.

I used to wonder how relationships could get to the point where dates would have to be discussed and really plotted out or where sex would have to be scheduled in order to make it happen--but it can happen--relationships are HARD. Good relationships, great relationships don't just appear out of thin air. Couples have to equally give (yes, thanks Dr. Phil) 100%-100% in order to work and survive and thrive.

Growing up sucks sometimes. Becoming "learn-ned" is rough!!! Nothing worth having comes easy--at least not anything I've encountered thus far.

Maybe I'm wrong though--maybe things shouldn't be this hard?

Excited

Honestly, I can not wait to see my girls tomorrow. I need a Jasmine, Julia, and Lindsay session, and maybe, just maybe, we can plan a girl's weekend with some finality.

Seven days really is a long time. I have so much respect for my mom and how she handles my grandparents every day. I am exhausted after hanging out with them for 3 ish hours every day--it is draining and HARD work. Gramma needs her cart with her oxygen tank everywhere she goes, and she can't really walk on her own. If she wants to go outside, one has to skillfully maneuver both her wheelchair and her cart of oxygen--there is no holder on the wheelchair--that would make too much sense. If BOTH my grandparents are headed outside of their tiny apartment, another trip must be made in order to push my grandpa in HIS wheelchair.

I am going to need to sleep for a month when I get back...though that does not play into my new mission--really and truly get in shape and be unfat this summer.

I guess I'll just sleep on the plane back.

WI Bound

Tomorrow...

I still become anxious and excited and feel hesitation before I leave. I am looking forward to seeing my gramma, and getting hugs that only my mom and dad and sister can give, but there are other people I'd like to see, other places I'd like to go when I am in the area, but finding balance is nearly impossible.
And then the week will be over, and I will be back here in OR job hunting and longing for stability and missing my friends and family back in WI.
:)
Ah...the grass is always greener!

Habits...

On Saturday (and now Sunday) morning, there are at least two, if not three or four, episodes of Law and Order. They aren't in order, so one hour it is the old school group, and then the next hour it is all the newbies--either way, I still love that show. And many of the new episodes I haven't seen because I have other things to watch/devote my time to during the week--and the Tivo is pretty full as it is with all of Louie's shows...

:)

And usually after Law and Order, on Saturdays, there is an ultra marathon of:

and even though I have seen them all (and many, several times), it is mindless background noise and I can get a good amount of planning/grading done with it on in the background. I do pause when they show the pictures--I love all the weird ideas that Tyra and her peeps come up with. I also like all the fantasy makeup and hair.

On Sundays, there aren't usually good mindless marathons on, so I turn to old faithful:

This is one of my favorites of all time..Second to, of course:

And all of Colin Firth's LARGE GIRTHY GLORY....

These awesome adaptations of Austen can take me away in a really good way. I can still work and grade, but the lively banter is entertaining and the boys in general, quite dreamy...

Before I go to bed, I can usually find an episode of Criminal Minds on...Usually A & E, but sometimes ION.

I don't know why I love the show--solid serial killer focus--but I LOVE LOVE LOVE it.

I love Garcia, and the young brainiac and the internal somber mourning of Hotch... And Shemar Moore is super pretty to look at and listen to...

Actually, any random murder investigation show helps lull me to sleep

That is really weird...

And of course, my most recent habit-->

I am only getting caught up with the re-runs--and thanks to all the advertising lead-up, I am aware that they "go out on a date" for the 100th episode, but right now I am enjoying the 2-3 episodes in a row during the week right after school. Especially because 24-hour fitness taps into the HD TNT--which means at 4 the episode starts. Which encourages me to stay the full hour to see who "done it."

I know that I laugh out loud as I am on the elliptical watching them--but I am in love with these early episodes and all the chemistry amongst characters.

And, all the skinny, pretty people can just suck it. I have to keep some fun in the boring hell that are the machines that take you nowhere (i.e. elliptical/stairclimber/treadmill/etc.).

I sound like a tv freak...I can be at times, but I do other things as well. I do read (I've read ten books already this year!! Which is more than MANY read in several years!!), I plan lessons, and grade...but I do enjoy the escapism my viewing habits afford. Sometimes it is nice to not think about all the random crap going on around me.

I wish I could write!!

It is so fun for me to read other blogs--especially people I know! I think my writing problems stem from the fact that the most exciting part of my life involves watching Judge Judy, avoiding the gym, and being depressed about the status (or lack thereof) of my job.

I need to work on having a more exciting life!!!

Guilty Pleasure...

I'll admit it...

I'm a Shear Genius fan.

Yep. The reality show on Bravo TV about hairdressers.

I don't admit this to my colleagues, or my family, only Louie knows that I TiVo it (but I also make him watch it if he's around, so I guess it's his secret as well!).

But, I enjoy the passion these people have for hair and all that is hair--even famous "well-known" hairdressers (I quote that because I have no idea whatsoever as to who these guest judges are, but the hairdressers are in awe whenever one shows up...) and that passion is very fun to watch. Also, there are some quirky people on this show!!

Initially, the new host (Camila Alves) bugged me...her weird accent, her cheesey "Ciao," basically, I thought she was as annoying as all hell. But she grew on me--last episode proved her diva-ness, but I'll let it slide.

Judge 1:

Kim Vo is another I used to really like from the previous two seasons. See picture on far left...

And then he became plastic man.

And now I can't listen to his annoying voice because I am so focused on his plastic-ness and fake-ness. And it makes me sad.

But his flame-y voice is entertaining.

Judge 2:

Jonathan Antin is beyond irritating. If the show was about the judges, I would not not spend five minutes on this show...luckily, viewers only get about 15 minutes of his pompous needling.

He plays favorites, thinks his shit doesn't stink, and one challenge that took place at a record release party, it was VERY evident that he had too much to drink. He was a total asshole.

The Remaining Contestants:

Matthew is smarmy, and it was said best on the most recent episode, his "signature" look is more like "a real estate agent." He also doesn't think his shit stinks, but he has been winner of MANY challenges throughout the competition. He bugs me. Part 1 of the "super-twins." See below for the other half.

I liked Janine at the beginning of the competition. I liked her style, her spark, her awesome tattoos, I loved her talent and passion around hair, and I loved how super-short she is!

But she's MEAN. Since more contestants have been leaving, and the competition has been heating up, she has gotten meaner and meaner towards Brig. This picture is the "fake" Janine, and the last episode with her "signature" picture showed the judges how fake she is. Camila said that Janine had been selling a completely different image of herself for the entirety of the competition--one that she was buying,--but her signature look was so fake that it was super disappointing.

It sucks, because she is SUPER good at what she does, and I was cheering for her and Brig to be in the final two. Now, I just want her to go home. She is Part 2 of the "super-twins."

Jon was a dark horse throughout the competition. He was just sent home, and I was totally bummed. He is an old-school rocker dude, and he has been doing hair for over 20 years, and his rough edges were fun to watch as the competition wore down. He was real and easily flustered when the judges would hound him as he was trying to work during the killer time constraints, and that was fun for me. Everything isn't super easy and flawless, and he made no apologies for his work, rather, he stuck by it and didn't get all petty and snarky like the terrible twosome above. I am sad he went home.

I saved my favorite for last. Brig is TOTALLY weird. I wouldn't let her near my head with a ten-foot pole, but her work is avant-garde, ideal for fashion-forward, progressive, MODERN needs. She has her own weird style and quirkyness--the 2nd or 3rd episode she wore rollerskates to do hair. And she did a good job!!!

Brig is loud and proud, and is the target for Janine's venom.

Yes, I know that we don't get the 100% full picture of what goes on behind the scenes, but seriously, just because she is loud and weird doesn't deserve the rude treatment she gets consistently (by the judges too!!!!!).

I want her to win.

This took way too long to write about. That was not the plan. I guess I am REALLY avoiding grading essays!!!!

Spring Break

What I had planned:

Grade a large number of essays and catch up with my grading.

Chill, drink, and relax in Vegas.

Lesson plan for both AP and not.

What I've accomplished:

Sick, so Vegas was not relaxing, nor did I get to really drink.

I have read my book club book and have started two more books.

I think I have graded 3 mini-assignments, and NO major essays.

Lessons planned for Monday and Friday and almost Tuesday of next week for not AP.

Maybe, if I would plan to do NOTHING from now on, I would feel more accomplished at the end of it all.

I think I am nearly over the sick, but the procrastination bug just won't LEAVE!!!!!!

Today's ponderings...

Parent teacher conferences can be many things.
An exhaustingly long day is one of them.

But also, it can be a day of reflection for me. Why I don't want my own children. Why I am really thankful that I DON'T have my own children. AND, it is VERY awesome that Louie and I see eye-to-eye on the matter of children.

Don't get me wrong, parenthood is awe-inspiring. I can't believe that people CHOOSE that lifestyle. I just can't do it. I can't give enough of myself to an offspring, and while I might have fleeting MOMENTS of thinking having my own child, I do not want to procreate.

I don't see myself as a mom. A cool kick-ass aunt? Heck yes. But there are too many variables in procreating--what if I were to spawn a flute-playing, non-athlete?!!? While I have nothing against non-athletes or flute players, because of my EXTREMELY competitive nature--THIS WOULD BE HORRIBLE. I would want a stellar athlete, super-smart, super awesome child. This is not fair. Parents should be supportive no matter the path a child follows--like my colleague who LOVES the fact that his daughter is deciding on whether or not to move to the next level of ice skating because well, she really likes the clarinet and doesn't want the intense yell-at-you coach that comes with the next level. And like my other colleague who can't handle serious competition, but her husband wants a competitive sports chap, and they are just going to find a way to work it out. These scenarios give me heart palpitations, which only add credence to my ultimate decision.

I also can't even fathom the time component of spawn--loss of sleep, then all the things that come with a child--activities, conferences, carting them around until they get a license, all the nights worrying about underage drinking parties and random orgies out in the woods. And yes, if you have a high school aged student, these are REAL concerns one should have.

Not. For. Me. EVER.

I'd rather be around students all day and go home and CHILL at night. Yes, I take my work home, and my students text me, call me, email me incessantly--but they aren't mine. I am not responsible for 110% of EVERYTHING. I don't want that.

And I know that is ok. Yes, I have heard it all. "It's different when it's your own child;" "You'll change your mind when you are older;" "You really DO want kids, you are just in denial;" "Wait until your biological clock kicks in..."

And I think for a moment, but come to the same conclusion.

No thanks.

Today....

~14 minutes of my supervisor in my classrooms (5 minutes in one period + about 8 minutes in another). And then she left an index card with a note...

This is just bizarre.

I want to be the best teacher I can be, but how am I supposed to improve or be what she wants me to, how is this supposed to help?

She has already told me it has nothing to do with my teaching, my lesson planning, my classroom management--but my "tone" and my student interactions are what she has a problem with. This doesn't address anything that she has a problem with!!!!

BLARGH.

So, I went to the gym for the first time in probably a year (if not more). Rana convinced me that the kickboxing class would be a good idea.

It was an hour long.

I was sore as soon as I walked out of the door...I am dying right now.

So what did I do? Bought cinnamon toaster strudels, strawberry shortcake cookies (and ate one on the way home), and made hash browns, toast, and eggs for dinner.

So now I am FULL and ungodly sore.

And flustered that I can't play the game better. I know that I need to if I want to survive this, but it is SO not me. ARGHHHHHHHHH!!!

Not going to lie...

I LOVE Capote's In Cold Blood.

I wasn't expecting to like it so much, but I do!!!

I made strawberry rice krispie treats for Louie...

Somehow I have to figure out how to effectively e

valuate 6 simultaneous socratic seminars tomorrow. Initially, there were to be 3...but, as it is with being a teacher, there are complications--like a "physics" field trip snowboarding... What.Ever.

Oh, the joys of being a piddly Language Arts teacher.

:)

And, I learned how the grading system I have been using since last year REALLY works.

Yes, I am an educated, intelligent woman. But math + me = giant clusterfuck. I am terrible at math, and have a tough time understanding how all the grading works (in our computer system). No excuse, I know. And now that I "get it," I can be more effective in the computer gradebook, but still...Damn math.

So these are the categories of our assignments (granted, not all the teachers adhere to this system, but we are trying to be more uniform in many aspects of our assessments). Gold = 60% of student's grade; Silver = 25% of student's grade; and Bronze = 15% of student's grade.

In my head, I thought I understood.

But I didn't.

I thought if I had 17 bronze assignments and 1-2 gold assignments, there would be an accurate reflection of a student's efforts. I saw each assignment as one "pie."

What I learned today is that there is ONLY ONE "pie."

So, 17 pieces of that teeny green piece of pie, is DIDDLY CRAP. BAHBAHBAH.

So, now I am more aware. I feel like a tool, and I wish I was more left-brained, but really, grading SHOULDN'T BE SO HARD!!!!!!!! (right?!?!?!?) I have to tell myself this to make me feel better.

Exhaustion

is attempting to knock me over, but I fighting it.

Bad things:

No warm beach for spring break.

Still not sure what is going to happen with work...(I've resigned effective the end of the year to avoid going on a plan, but could be asked to be "rehired," which may not happen because of RIFFs, and it is just a mess).

Good things:

Vegas for the first time for a few days of spring break.

I'm reading some good books.

I have a fantastic group of women in a book club one of my colleagues started at the beginning of the year.

I am a good teacher.

Hype...

So, Saturday we saw Avatar in 3D. My first true film experience in 3D.

It was super beautiful.

Because I hate Kevin Costner, I never saw Dancing with Wolves; so I can't tell if my colleagues assessment of this being Dancing with Wolves but with blue people is accurate. Rather, I think it much more resembles Ferngully. But with blue people.

It was a long movie. And it was strenuous on my eyes/brains and I got a major headache several hours following the film.

Am I glad that I saw it? Yes. Very. It really was beautiful. Truly amazing the things that the human imagination can create with the help from technology.

But, as far as it being the best film ever--far from it. But that is ok.

Random things I should have photographed today...

Stupid stop-and-go traffic to practice #1...
The truck and trailer full of port-a-potties...
The WORST bumper sticker EVER on the Explorer in front of me...This saying, but on a sticker...

Wisconsin here I come...

I leave tomorrow at the ass-crack of dawn to fly back to central Wisconsin, and will go back to EauClaire on Wednesday to start the pack & the major downsizing...occasionally, I say that I am going back "home," but my home seems to be here, not at my parents' home or in EC--but it is all very confusing and I am still identifying with "home" being all together at my parents' house (where I grew up), in EC (where I spent a LOT of my years & my good friends are), and in Chicago (that still seems to call to me)...it is very discombobulating...I can't wait to see Nelson, Steph, January, Jasmine, Lindsay, and Julia when I am home though, as well as my sister, gramma, and parents.

Louie is letting me take his laptop, which ranks as high as his car, so I feel honored that I get to have it for the two week, no cable-no internet excursion to Wisconsin.

I think he is going to enjoy having me out of his hair more than he will admit. BUT, he will have to do the scooping job daily...maybe he WILL want me to come back! :)

Dreaming I should be...

but I am not.

Instead I am blogging. Ipo is to my left on the floor, Hobbes is in "her" spot on the receiver, and the boys are cuddled together on the chair on my right. The green walls are behind me (there is a quasi-glow about them) and we made it through an hour and ten minutes of An Inconvenient Truth before we couldn't take the depressing-ness of it any longer. Plus, his roommate was supposed to be out today, but alas, no sight of him at all today--even though he insisted he would be gone. HA! We did have a fantastic dinner this evening, and I will post pics as soon as I get my rear-end up tomorrow.

"Happy" Memorial Day.


I am still in Portland. Haven't bailed yet. Yay me.

I've been wrong before...

but I am not thinking about that.

1834.75 miles=

26 hours 48 minutes...

That. is. far.

:(

I just realized that my HD friends are all outta here this weekend, and I will be catching up on all of my piles of homework. I will be off to the library tomorrow and Sunday, and maybe tonight I will just chill...I am still sore from lifting yesterday! OW! I am also applying to be on the Amazing Race since they are taking applications from families of 4...my family would ROCK!

Procrastination

You know how it is when you do everything you can so you completely avoid writing the paper that is due at 9AM? Probably not, but that is totally what I am doing right now. In my office the tv is on and Friends is what is on one of the 3 channels that I can get. I will also get The Bachelor at 8, so I am hoping that in an hour I can at least get one of two pages written--even if I just write quotes it would be better than sitting here staring into space or playing pac-man on my gamecube. I am still waiting for the 3 games that I won on ebay to arrive--can't wait. That was what I bought for myself after I returned Jeff's birthday gift--a gamecube and 3 gamecube games (Eternal Darkness, Pac-Man World 2, and with the system Metroid Prime). I need to get back to my post-colonial Shakespeare studies...I really can't wait to go to bed.