Things I wonder about...

Why did I decide to go home for a full seven days? In a row.

Why do my mom and dad and gramma have to get old? It sucks.

Why can't my sister catch a break?

Why can't my mom get up outta my sister's ass and realize that she can't catch a break?

Why can't I make more money and buy my sister a decent car, pay her bills, and take care of her better?

Why can't I make more money and fix my parents' house so it doesn't suck--at least get them good carpeting with good padding and good beds that aren't MADE OF STRAW?

Why can't my mom just LET ME take care of my sister? I am actually FINALLY doing ok right now. Why can't she see that?

Why is being on "vacation" so exhausting? So much so, I can't even fathom staying the night at my sister's (who only lives 30 minutes away) or staying in EC when I go see my friends? I'd rather just sit around, see my gramma and grandpa, and then go to bed back at my parents' house.

Why can't my parents come and visit me this summer? With my sister?

Why can't I be rich to have MLB Network at my house? I like seeing the Brewers on TV.

Ok. Enough for now.

Overwhelmed...

attempting to medicate with food, avoiding the inevitable, debating the validity of my current apprehensions, and now I write to avoid the avoiding.
I seem to be stuck in a mire of uncertainty, and can't figure out who or what I am. I miss the grounding the women in Wisconsin provided me--Steph and her love for animals, Riley, Green Bay, Brett, her students, and how similar we are in our frustrations and body image woes...Nelson and the strength and professionalism and expertise she provides her students, rewarding them with the best learning experience imaginable, and her love for food and wine and music that I shared with her when we were in the same vicinity...January's realistic and driven nature, who encourages her students and friends to be the very best human possible, who at times forgets how important it is to take care of herself, but showers those she loves with the utmost care and devotion...Jasmine's intelligence and calm demeanor, the college prof that I longed to take classes from and strove to become...Lindsay's articulate quiet reserve, and yet sparkle for fun and unbelievably immense knowledge base and brilliance...Julia's sweet smile and ability to laugh, who would do anything for her friends...

I miss these women more than I ever thought. I miss how I felt when I was around them, and I miss trying to be better to prove that I was worthy of their awesomeness. I haven't given up per say, but I am not doing as well as I could be. Phone calls and emails and text messages are just not the same as El Patio with cheese dip, or Mogies and a cider with spuds, or a glass of wine while rolling out homemade pasta or some other random cooking project speaking school speak.

Sad. Awed. Tired. Doubtful.

I had to say goodbye to four of my influential and important women in my life today. Yesterday I had to say goodbye to the other two important and influential women. I am hating "goodbye" right now.

The wedding today was gorgeous. Absolutely beautiful weather, scenery, people--just fantastic. Julia was by far the most beautiful bride I have ever seen or ever will see. Ever. I am so happy for her. I know now why people cry at weddings.





















I drove home (1 hour 45 min) from the reception. I went to bed last night (this morning) at 12:30am. It is late right now. I am exhausted--mentally and physically.

Not sure if I am making the right choice...It is scary.

Decided

on a topic for my final paper...I actually feel slightly confident about it...I need to work...
:(

Not in my backyard?

My parents would be heartbroken if they weren't there. I always dreamed of being on the beach, barefoot, with my mom and dad, sister, and gramma, with the man I was destined to be with saying our vows with the backdrop of crashing waves...So, even though I compromised and was going to have a ceremony in my parents' backyard(7/10/2004, once upon a time), I guess it was never meant to be. Which I should have known anyway, since he wasn't willing to give me what I wanted (and needed) anyway.

It is funny how we don't talk on the weekends. Weird and very suspicious.

6. Knows the meaning of romance and practices the art of it without being asked.
9. Truthful-honest-ALWAYS. No lies.
12. Loving
21. Responsible
28. Knows how to pamper me
32. Open-minded
33. Respectful of all people
35. Willing to try new things
44. Active & willing to compete
48. Trust
56. Can have stimulating intellectual conversation
60. Goes the extra distance to show me how important I am in his life