What it means to be a probationary teacher at the end of her third year...

If the vice-principal, who is her supervisor, likes the guy hired after her more, the vice principal can opt to recommend that her contract not be extended past this year. Which also means that the union can't/won't fight for her because she has no status in the union. No matter how many letters of support my colleagues write, or my students, I have a very slim chance of having a job next year. All because, according to my supervisor, I "don't know how to treat people." (Which really means her--my tone in my email comes across terse.)

Because she did say that it had:

nothing to do with my lesson plans.

nothing to do with my organization.

nothing to do with my classroom management.

So, I get to have a meeting on Wednesday with my union rep in attendance, before the meeting with the superintendent on the 18th. Basically, my rep says that if my supervisor won't put a POA (Plan of Assistance) into documentation, things are a done deal and I have no chance.

I will have to bargain to resign so I don't have a nonrenewal on my record, but I don't get to do what I love. Because I don't kiss ass. Because I SUCK at playing the game.

About 4 months left of being a probationary teacher. I thought I was finally on track to have some security.

Tres-Tres

Or, trienta (sp.?) y tres if you really want to get your Spanish nuts in a bundle.

It's coming. 4 days.

I wish I had money to fly home for the weekend to celebrate with a cider and spuds at Mogies with Jas, Julia, and Lynds. But, Lynds is overseas, so it wouldn't be the same.

I miss my amazingly intelligent friends.

I know it isn't the MOST healthy....

But damn, a bottle of wine helps the downs. I think I am more cut out to teach college students than I am to teach high school students. I try not to dwell on the negative, but a 3-page email diatribe from a parent (not even to me, not even with my last name spelled correctly) to my supervisor to "put in my file," accusing me of being a bully, is disheartening to say the least.

I miss my friends though!!!!!!!! A tremendous amount!!!!!!

This is how I thought it would be...

But, it's not. It won't be. I have to still be ok.

What does one do when

one has no friends and no where to go?

Crabby ranting...

You know what? WHATEVER. I may have made mistakes in the past, I may have totally sucked at life at one point or another--guess what? I'm human, imperfect, and attempting to grow and learn and be better. Clearly, as demonstrated, many choose to remain dedicated to past experiences. Though, as I type this, I know I am not much better. I need to let go.

It is ok that Lori won't be my friend on facebook. That she ignored my email, and I still don't know what the hell I did.

It is ok that Nate is with Sara from high school and they have me blocked.

It is ok that Joel is married to some anorexic white trash.

It is ok that Jeff is married and has had a daughter already.

It is ok that Norman is married and just had a son.

It is ok that I am not married.

Why do I let any of this get to me?

NOT WORTH IT.

I know that I shouldn't

get pissed at facebook--it is MY fault that I look for stuff...but it still sucks seeing all the happy married with spawn people from my past/present. I know that the appearance isn't the reality, but it still is frustrating and hurtful. I know that I deserve at least some of my wishes, but waiting for them to come true sucks ass in the face of facebook. :(

Long time, no write. Procrastinating.

Should be evaluating and giving feedback to essays and other writing assignments. I am facebooking and watching Judge Judy instead. I miss Chicago. I miss home. Got a small taste of it today though; my parents' presents arrived today--they totally spoiled me. I am very lucky. I am beyond unmotivated. Meh. I hate this funk I find myself in. :(

Overwhelmed...

attempting to medicate with food, avoiding the inevitable, debating the validity of my current apprehensions, and now I write to avoid the avoiding.
I seem to be stuck in a mire of uncertainty, and can't figure out who or what I am. I miss the grounding the women in Wisconsin provided me--Steph and her love for animals, Riley, Green Bay, Brett, her students, and how similar we are in our frustrations and body image woes...Nelson and the strength and professionalism and expertise she provides her students, rewarding them with the best learning experience imaginable, and her love for food and wine and music that I shared with her when we were in the same vicinity...January's realistic and driven nature, who encourages her students and friends to be the very best human possible, who at times forgets how important it is to take care of herself, but showers those she loves with the utmost care and devotion...Jasmine's intelligence and calm demeanor, the college prof that I longed to take classes from and strove to become...Lindsay's articulate quiet reserve, and yet sparkle for fun and unbelievably immense knowledge base and brilliance...Julia's sweet smile and ability to laugh, who would do anything for her friends...

I miss these women more than I ever thought. I miss how I felt when I was around them, and I miss trying to be better to prove that I was worthy of their awesomeness. I haven't given up per say, but I am not doing as well as I could be. Phone calls and emails and text messages are just not the same as El Patio with cheese dip, or Mogies and a cider with spuds, or a glass of wine while rolling out homemade pasta or some other random cooking project speaking school speak.

Starting to be concerned...

since "worry" isn't effective.
I need a job.
I need money.
Tax returns don't last very long when you aren't working.
I need to figure out when I have to be out of my apartment, and then where I am going to go, and how I will afford that...
I have to write my thesis so I can graduate in December.

BAH.

Dear Chinese Food,

I know that your deliciousness shouldn't be what I drown my shitty day in.
I know that the savory goodness you exude shouldn't be my treat for 45 min on the treadmill....
I just couldn't help myself.
:(

BAH.

And I hate the rain. And it is supposed to snow...BAH.
And my PS2 is broken/isn't working... :(
AND I hate Charter cable--fucking bastards should have the Brewers on right now, but no, the fucking LAME ASS Timberwolves are on--WTF?!!?!?!?!?

What a shit day this turned out to be.

Eating a 1/2 pint of Ben & Jerry's Phish Food

To coat the sad, really isn't effective.

Just makes you feel gross.

Football Sundays

Love 'em.
It is sunny outside (finally) and the Bo Sox won last night!
I don't like having to go eat breakfast at the caf all alone though all the time. I do have this fear that I will become the single old lady with the many cats. It doesn't help that I live kitty-corner from a family and they are getting ready for Halloween--carving pumpkins, doing the family thing with the dog and the little one...It would just be nice to be able to go eat meals with someone once in a while.
And not have people be shitty to me and ignore me. It would help if it made sense--but YOU DON'T MAKE ANY SENSE AT ALL.
Let's see how much homework I can get done today! ROTFLMAO :)
GO PACK GO!