I woke up to a very excited email this morning:

Some background--

Jay Asher--author of 13 Reasons Why--an amazing book about suicide and the ramifications of even the smallest actions--recognized three videos done in relation to his book. The entire junior class this past year listened to the audio version (amazing--done by two different voices--unbelievably amazing)--and I recommended it to many of my AP students to read for their YA final self-selection text. So, one of my students asked me if she could make a video trailer for her final project. She did, and it was beyond amazing.

So, to the email I had this morning:

Ms. ***! Hi this is *******. Do you remember me? =]

How's your summer been?

So do you remember the 13 Reasons Why video I made for your class?

well, I uploaded it on Youtube, and I guess Asher saw it>>>

and guess what: Jay Asher himself put it on his blog on July 11!!! =D

I didn't know until someone commented the video I posted on Youtube....but yea! isn't that cool??!!

and it's all thanks to YOU for letting me make that vid and lending me the audio for it ^_^

THANK YOU MS.****!!!!

Check out her video (it is the third video--the black and white one on the bottom).

I miss teaching. Already. This. Sucks.

But I am SO proud of her!!!

Irony at its finest...

No responses from any school here in OR as of now.

A call this morning from MY high school in Wisconsin (1918 miles away from where I currently live) to set up a 1 hour interview for a long-term temporary sub position.

Argh.

24 Passed!!!!

1st year teaching AP Language and Composition--Pretty proud!! Two 5s too!!!
Yes, 20 didn't pass, but there were only four 1s--and they were expected (two of them didn't turn in ONE assignment ALL YEAR)--so that makes 16 who were REALLY close to passing. Also, many of the 2s were students who need several revisions to polish their writing, so this type of exam isn't an accurate reflection of their learning!!
Too bad I won't be there in the fall to continue the trend.

9 more wake-ups...

And this nightmare schoolyear is over....

But, tomorrow is graduation, and that is sad. And, I love my students, so that is sad. If I could take out the grown-up parts (like dealing with other grown-ups) out of this year, it would have ROCKED!

I'll just focus on this for the next 9 days. :) I. CAN. DO. IT.

Sometimes, with a LARGE glass of pinot...

I feel the combination of utter relaxation, maddening frustration and complete envy.

Relaxed because, even if the bottle had been opened for a while, it stayed well, and the alcohol has loosened many of my brain cells. The fuzzy haze is creeping over me just enough to mess with my typing ability.

Envy for a host of reasons, including, but not limited to, my friends' abilities, successes, and absences; the world in which budgetary cuts don't impact the daily life from January until June--or beyond; the majority of my colleagues whose jobs aren't on the line, nor will they ever be--seniority conquers all.

Frustration at my inability to let what I can't control not bother me. Frustration with knowing that I won't have a job next year, but just got letters from two seniors that I would NEVER have expected--thanking me for my teaching style and what I did for them their junior years. Would someone who wasn't a good teacher get letters like this at all? Do my colleagues who leave their classrooms in the middle of the day to go to Subway get letters like this? Frustration that my life isn't funny or filled with awesome quirky moments. I have really bad things happening in my life right now. Things I can't control, things I try to control but can't, and it is wearing me out.

Choosing wine and Powell's over the gym doesn't help things, nor does forgetting to take my Vitamin D, but still. I keep getting these "praise" emails about our amazing standardized test score increase--and I know that my students play a small portion into that--but it doesn't' matter. To anyone. Nothing I do matters. What a horrendously negative post this is. I apologize to my reader.

What does someone do when there is so much uncertainty?

3 Weekends before the end

So here is the tale in emails...
5/27 From our CEA President:

CEA Members:
Today, CEA representatives met with District representatives ***, Assistant Superintendent/HR Director; ***, Business Manager; and **, incoming HR Director.
When we met today, the District made a proposal based on a two-year extension of our contract (to end June 2013) including:
Salary offer spreading the 4% cost of living adjustment (COLA) over the next 3 years.
Insurance increases consistent with current contract ($1130 in 2010-11; $1230 in 2011-12; $1330 in 2012-13)
They stated that the savings in salary under any agreement would go directly to maintain employee jobs within the CEA membership.
Upon discussion, CEA returned with a counter proposal based on a one-year extension of our contract (to end June 2012) including:
Salary offer spreading the 4% cost of living adjustment (COLA) over the next 2 years.
Reduce work days from 192 to 191 for the next 2 years.
Insurance increases consistent with current contract ($1130 in 2010-11; $1230 in 2011-12)
The CEA proposal would save a significant number of positions, as the savings over 2 years for the District would be more than 1.4 million dollars.
The District intends to discuss our proposal with the Board on Wednesday evening and will be communicating back with CEA Representatives on Thursday morning. If the Board accepts our proposal, CEA will begin its ratification process.
In accordance with CEA bylaws, because the contract has not been opened, this amendment would need to be approved by the East County Bargaining Council and ratified by CEA Executive Council. The earliest this could be completed is June 2nd.
We will communicate with you as information becomes available. If you have comments or concerns, please feel free to share them with your building representative or------ 0 false false false

From our Superintendent on 5/27--

Dear staff members,

I know many of you have questions in light of the governor’s request for a 9 percent cut across all state agencies. Tuesday’s announcement was prompted by the state economist’s June forecast that Oregon has a $562.6 million projected shortfall for this biennium.

This news is very disconcerting to everyone. It leaves everything in a state of flux, including an agreement the board was considering with CEA Wednesday night that would have saved some jobs. The Board appreciates ongoing dialogue with CEA and hopes for more.

Because the numbers are quite staggering and the announcement is so new, we need to let the dust settle and see how the statewide reduction plays out before making final decisions about what we will do. The board was not comfortable approving the CEA offer last night in light of the even larger hole in the budget the district has now been informed it faces.

The initial estimates amount to a $2.7 million cut for Centennial on top of the $3.9 million already cut in the proposed 2010-11 budget. This is equivalent to an additional 37 teachers or 15 days of school.

At this point, I do not think this problem will be solved by the end of school year as we had hoped. No matter what happens in the short-term, this is a long-term problem affecting the entire state and many other states in the nation. According to the Governor, we are facing the possibility of 10 years of budget shortfalls unless significant changes occur.

We will keep you informed as the situation evolves and try to lessen the uncertainty as best we can. These are difficult times, and I am sad that I have to be the bearer of more unwanted news. Irrespective of this situation, I have faith in you. I know you are all doing your best in keeping your focus on our students.

Respectfully--

What is hilarious to me is that since the end of last year, our district has been projecting the shortfall of the ridiculous Oregon budget.
What this boils down to is a giant clusterfuck. The district is mad at the last bargaining arrangement they came to with our union. So, they refused to accept our agreement to help save jobs under the guise that the "government made them do it."
Basically, our union tried to accommodate everyone--the asshole teachers who didn't want a pay freeze to save teachers' jobs, AND the district who told our union that they "weren't interested in creative solutions" to the budget issue.
I hate public education. I hate unions. I am grouchy and on edge, and my colleagues consistently tell me that i should lighten up and cheer up--of course they are the ones whose jobs AREN'T in danger of being cut.
I won't know if I have a job until the school year is over (I am 98% sure I won't have a job anyway), while everyone else can have a happy summer of relaxation, I will be wondering where I will be in the fall.

I know that it is out of my control. This post will be the last I will dwell on the matter. I want to finish this year, enjoy my students, and try my best to not let others get to me. It is so hard though. When it is so beyond obvious that the students' best interests aren't what is important (if it was, our administration wouldn't have a $35,000 iPhone budget--yep--one teacher's salary for phones).

I could just really REALLY use some good news.

Things I DID NOT LEARN ABOUT in my teacher-preparation program:

10. There just aren’t enough hours in the day. Sometimes, I just work harder than the students—I shouldn’t, but I do.
9. Not all feedback is credible, viable, or realistic. Unless it comes from someone who has the same (or at least close) teaching philosophy as I do.
8. Trust shouldn’t be given so easily to colleagues.
7. How much eating right, taking care of my body, and balancing my life (all aspects of it) is essential to being a successful teacher.
6. Politics, no matter how good of a teacher I am, will always have the ability to get me.
5. The last month of school is utter hell.
4. How much I would miss adult interaction on a more regular basis. Beyond my live-in partner and family—pets just don’t cut it either.
3. Yes, we all “steal,” but now that it is happening to me, it feels like shit. I at least give credit where credit is due.
2. How to deal with atrociously bad teacher-colleagues.
1. Sometimes, even though I really shouldn’t, I just REALLY have to use the restroom. And I always think to myself “I just REALLY hope no fires or fights break out” as I run down the hall in order to make it in time.

It's true...

I love the few and far between positives of my profession. Seriously, they are amazing...

A text I got tonight from a student I talked to this afternoon--he looked bummed out, and I got out of him that he and his girlfriend were having "another dumb fight."

Oh, how I do NOT miss the drama of being a high school student!!!

And the text:

"I just wanted to say thank you for talking to me today. You are so much more then a teacher, you are an amazing person Ms. M----. I wouldn't have told anyone else as far as adults go at the school today, but i feel like i can talk to you, and you'll be there for me. Thanks again, -----"

Not perfect grammar or spelling, but damn, does it help me feel like I AM in the right profession.

I just won't think about where I'll be next year. :(

Today....

~14 minutes of my supervisor in my classrooms (5 minutes in one period + about 8 minutes in another). And then she left an index card with a note...

This is just bizarre.

I want to be the best teacher I can be, but how am I supposed to improve or be what she wants me to, how is this supposed to help?

She has already told me it has nothing to do with my teaching, my lesson planning, my classroom management--but my "tone" and my student interactions are what she has a problem with. This doesn't address anything that she has a problem with!!!!

BLARGH.

So, I went to the gym for the first time in probably a year (if not more). Rana convinced me that the kickboxing class would be a good idea.

It was an hour long.

I was sore as soon as I walked out of the door...I am dying right now.

So what did I do? Bought cinnamon toaster strudels, strawberry shortcake cookies (and ate one on the way home), and made hash browns, toast, and eggs for dinner.

So now I am FULL and ungodly sore.

And flustered that I can't play the game better. I know that I need to if I want to survive this, but it is SO not me. ARGHHHHHHHHH!!!

Sometimes coming up with a title blows.

So, the six simultaneous discussions was the coolest thing ever. Frustrating for me because I couldn't stay long listening to one group (in order to try to hear everyone talk and give them credit), but the entire period (save the final 5 minutes for wrap-up) the groups were discussing the articles THEY chose ahead of time. They selected leaders, they chose the discussion questions, and pretty much blew my mind. I am very proud of them. AND I realized that I am a damn good teacher for this to be able to happen. While I understand that these are driven students, I have challenged them and they have risen to my challenge.

In other news...

I decided that maybe my insomnia was due to going to bed too early. So, I tried to stay up later, and I still woke up at 3AM...I fell back asleep faster though this morning than last night (over an hour of restlessness and unable to shut down my brain), but it is frustrating. I have also woken up with a headache for the past two days as well.

I am hoping that Louie and I join 24 hour Fitness (or other gym) because I really want to work back to feeling awesome about myself again. I am also contemplating Weight Watchers again, but I can't get up enough courage to take a risk.

Can't fail if I don't try...

Not going to lie...

I LOVE Capote's In Cold Blood.

I wasn't expecting to like it so much, but I do!!!

I made strawberry rice krispie treats for Louie...

Somehow I have to figure out how to effectively e

valuate 6 simultaneous socratic seminars tomorrow. Initially, there were to be 3...but, as it is with being a teacher, there are complications--like a "physics" field trip snowboarding... What.Ever.

Oh, the joys of being a piddly Language Arts teacher.

:)

And, I learned how the grading system I have been using since last year REALLY works.

Yes, I am an educated, intelligent woman. But math + me = giant clusterfuck. I am terrible at math, and have a tough time understanding how all the grading works (in our computer system). No excuse, I know. And now that I "get it," I can be more effective in the computer gradebook, but still...Damn math.

So these are the categories of our assignments (granted, not all the teachers adhere to this system, but we are trying to be more uniform in many aspects of our assessments). Gold = 60% of student's grade; Silver = 25% of student's grade; and Bronze = 15% of student's grade.

In my head, I thought I understood.

But I didn't.

I thought if I had 17 bronze assignments and 1-2 gold assignments, there would be an accurate reflection of a student's efforts. I saw each assignment as one "pie."

What I learned today is that there is ONLY ONE "pie."

So, 17 pieces of that teeny green piece of pie, is DIDDLY CRAP. BAHBAHBAH.

So, now I am more aware. I feel like a tool, and I wish I was more left-brained, but really, grading SHOULDN'T BE SO HARD!!!!!!!! (right?!?!?!?) I have to tell myself this to make me feel better.

Told my students...

Well...I told my 7th period the Friday immediately after I was told about my supervisor's recommendation. Then I sat on the information and didn't tell my students.

I thought about things, and I haven't been myself in class, so I told my first period. I know that this all deals with political stuff and grownup stuff that they shouldn't have to deal with, but they are the most important people to me. They are who I strive to be better for.

They had heard things through the rumor-mill that this high school is infamous for, so it was good to tell them what was actually happening versus them hearing a diluted and twisted "telephone" -type game story.

I feel helpless, and they do as well. I didn't mean for that to happen. I just wanted them to know that I tried everything I could.

~~~~~~~~~

Told 4th period.

Some of them cried.

I feel horrible about that. I don't want them to suffer because of the grown-up stuff. They are going to be just fine without me. Life goes on and they are stellar, rock-star humans. There is so much ahead for them and they will be amazing.

Maybe I shouldn't have told them. :(

Options....

1.

Fight. Get a POI (plan of improvement) guaranteed that if I do x, y, and, z I will not lose my job.

Do it. Keep job until budget cuts come down (positions are going to be cut at the high school).

Lose job because of budget cuts.

Have to check the box on all future applications that I have been on a plan of improvement.

Never get hired again.

2.

Fight. Get a non-renewal sent to the board (who has never EVER turned over a decision made by admin/district), appeal it (no one has ever won an appeal in this district), and then have a non-renewal on my record.

Never get hired again.

3.

Resign by February 23rd. Finish the year. Get a positive letter of recommendation. The district won't fight unemployment.

Aren't the choices awesome?

I know it isn't the MOST healthy....

But damn, a bottle of wine helps the downs. I think I am more cut out to teach college students than I am to teach high school students. I try not to dwell on the negative, but a 3-page email diatribe from a parent (not even to me, not even with my last name spelled correctly) to my supervisor to "put in my file," accusing me of being a bully, is disheartening to say the least.

I miss my friends though!!!!!!!! A tremendous amount!!!!!!

Exhaustion

Day started at 6:30 AM at school. Copies, my colleague's stolen cell phone...then 2 21 minute periods (I know--ridiculous)...then practice for the staff homecoming skit while the assembly ran. Our performance was awesome and it is super fun to hear the students after the assembly--"you were awesome!" Then, 2 more 21 minute periods, my 21 minute prep, and 2 more 21 minute periods. A very quick 20 minute lunch, and parents begin to arrive at 12:15. There was a steady stream of attendees until about 30 minutes before our dinner break at 4:15 (pizza from admin which was nice), and then a constant stream of parents from 4:45 until 7:30 pm. Then call home because I am still functioning and my parents will be tired and in bedtime mode since they are two hours ahead of me--on the 40 minute drive home. I am sleeping before 10 pm, and now I am up at 6am to complete my half-day of inservice knowing that I am missing my 15 year high school reunion this weekend (which is seriously going to be super fun and chill). All I really want to do is sleep for a month, but we actually have a full week next week, and that is going to be killer. And NOT in a good way.

Yeah, go ahead and "take something off" your daughter's "plate":

AP Psychology is really going to benefit her long-term, versus AP Language and Composition.

This is now the 7th student "released" by a parent from my class.

I even had an email from a parent saying that my "expectations [were] to high!"
Spelled. Just. Like. That.

The irony.

Note to self:

I will sleep the day away the first weekend day after the first week of school.

And it wasn't even the first FULL week.

Yikes.

Freaking out...

Yes, I know that I taught for two 1/2 years in Chicago--those were little ones, and I didn't have my "official" teaching credentials...4th & 6th graders aren't the same.

It is year 3 for me. Starting tomorrow. I am FREAKING out. I can't even explain how much. It is butterflies X1000...

I still have to sleep and make copies tomorrow.

ARGH!!!!!!!!

Deciding on a concious effort...

to be a better role model for my students this year.

I need to take better care of myself. I worry constantly about my students--that they are eating enough, that they are doing what they need to for college preparation, that they aren't in unhealthy situations at home, etc. But I don't take care of myself. I don't workout, I don't eat as I should, I put all of myself into teaching, but not into me.

This year I really want to change that. I worked hard all summer in preparation for this year. I have been planning, thinking about what to do, and trying to read and educate myself as much as possible. I want to be able to do for me this year more than the last two years.

I know coaching was a huge part in my stress both last year and the year before, but I think that I allowed myself to get too bogged down by things that really shouldn't have gotten to me.

This year, they needed me back. I am back, and I am going to give 100% of myself for the girls. Not like last year. I am going to let volleyball be my escape for these next two months, and not look at it like an "extra" overwhelming "thing."

I want to give my best to my students, and I will, but I also want to give my best to myself, and this is going to include coaching again. I am going to work on being more flexible with random things that come my way, and I want to be able to not freak out if something isn't "just right." It never is--NEVER. I just need to decide that it will be ok. IT WILL.

I just don't want to be as exhausted all the time. Mentally, I need to develop better ways of coping in order to be able to fight the exhaustion and not get brought down. Other people live much more hectic lives than I do, and don't go to bed at 9. I want to be able to have a late-night if needs be, and still be able to function in the morning. This is a huge goal for me this year.

I wonder if my friends were here, would things be any easier??

Awkward...

n.
Going to the Police Station to be fingerprinted for OR & WA and the little uniformed officer recognizes you.

There is a mini-moment of quasi-recognition, but when he says "Sunshine, right?" my "Yeah, HI!" is merely an attempt to feign my remembrance.

I am pretty sure he is a boy I made out with at some point here in EC.

He was so embarrassed and taken aback having to "hold my hand" and work my fingers on the screen-thingy that he couldn't even look me in the eye as I cheerfully wished him a great day and said thanks.

Oh the joys of small-town living that I will miss.



HA!!!


Though, immediately after, I went to the grocery store where 5 of my ex-memorial students were chowing lunch down, one said hi, and was waved at by another, and I heard a :Hi Ms. McFaul!" from another...I will miss that!!